


Please forgive my cold blood

by swshawnee



Series: daily vixx drabbles [2]
Category: VIXX
Genre: M/M, sad bc i'm sad, sad bc this stupid music makes me sad, watch out for angst and stupidity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-02
Updated: 2016-05-02
Packaged: 2018-06-05 23:26:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6727648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/swshawnee/pseuds/swshawnee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He doesn't know if this is okay. But if it's not, it should be.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Please forgive my cold blood

**Author's Note:**

> Based on a prompt to write a songfic of MoT - Cold Blood.   
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mqdo6SvjbwI

Wonshik pulls restlessly at his sleeve, shivering; the first cold breeze of the night blows straight through the material of his shirt. He should have brought a jacket. He should have known that with Hakyeon, there's no such thing as getting home early. The sky is pitch black, bright stars twinkling down at them from every direction, and the sides of the street are lined with trees and small houses. The whole area is asleep, save for the two of them.

They've reached the last streetlight when Hakyeon comes to a halt. Wonshik isn't sure why they're here exactly; if they wanted to go to Wonshik's place, which Wonshik thought they were, they would have needed to take a right at the last intersection. There's nothing on this street. Nothing but darkness, forest and dead ends. Yet here they stand, Hakyeon panting slightly, vapor welling out into the night air with every breath. His hand is locked with Wonshik's, much to the younger's confusion, but he isn't going to question it.

Wordlessly, Hakyeon moves in closer, forehead against Wonshik's. They've been walking for a long time, their sweaty bodies quickly cooling down now that they've finally found a place to rest. Hakyeon's wrists fall onto Wonshik's shoulders, and Wonshik's muscles twitch tentatively as he lets his hands rest on the older's sides. He doesn't know if this is okay. But if it's not, it should be.

"I'm going to miss you, Wonshik."

Wonshik's eyes flutter shut. "What? When?"

"Always."

He opens them again, wanting to meet his gaze, but finding the other boy's eyes closed. "Hakyeon..."

"This is better," Hakyeon reassures them both. "It's better. For the both of us."

Suddenly Wonshik can't remember the rules, hands clutching at the other's shirt for dear life. "Hakyeon, no. No, no, no, please..." Hakyeon pulls back, not looking Wonshik in the eye. Perhaps he's afraid of seeing tears there. "Why?"

His hands grip at Wonshik's shoulders, face turned away. "Ever since you told me you've felt completely differently about everything we've been through... It makes me feel differently about it, too." Wonshik tugs him closer, trying to catch smoke with his bare hands. "I don't want that. I don't want it to change. I'm sorry."

"So you're freaked out," Wonshik states, grip loosening. "By me. By this whole thing."

"No," Hakyeon argues, stepping closer again, even though Wonshik doesn't want him as close anymore. "I just don't want what we had to become... that."

"What kind of contradictory bullshit is that?" Wonshik says, voice calm, because he could never do or say anything to hurt the other boy. "You're freaked out."

"I know what you're thinking, and it's not like that," Hakyeon continues, big eyes trying to burn this lie into Wonshik's. "It would have been the same if you were girl... if I was a girl. I swear."

"Right," Wonshik says, tears suddenly welling up. He looks away, blinking furiously, and Hakyeon's hands reach up to rub at his neck.

"I want to feel the same as you," Hakyeon pleads with him, and his voice is shaking. His hands are trembling, his body is quivering. He pulls even closer, mouth mere inches away from Wonshik's. "I wanted to, so badly... But I don't. And I can't force myself."

Wonshik keeps quiet. Whether or not it's possible to force yourself to love somebody, he doesn't know, but he doesn't want Hakyeon to try. Sometimes when he lies awake in bed at night wondering how this all happened, maybe he does want him to try - but not now. Not when he can feel the pain through every tremor of the other's body. But the feeling remains in him; how could something that feels so right, so natural, so completely in tune with every fiber of his soul be onesided?

"Don't call me," Hakyeon says. Wonshik accepts defeat. The older's moves back a little, and in the light of the lonely street lamp he looks sickly pale. "If you need me, text me. But only if you really need me, okay? I won't respond if it's not an emergency."

Wonshik swallows hard before he speaks. "This is so stupid," he breathes. "There's no need for this."

"You're hurting, too," Hakyeon cuts him off. "Don't even try to tell me you're not."

Of course, that's true. He's hurting, but not as much as he will be without Hakyeon, and he wants to say this, but when he considers it, maybe it isn't true, after all.

"Goodbye, Wonshik." The younger closes his eyes. "I'm so happy I got to spend these years with you, and I'm sorry it had to end like this." It doesn't, Wonshik's brain adds, it doesn't it doesn't it doesn't it doesn't-- "Take care of yourself, okay?" He squeezes Wonshik's shoulders again. "Someone will come along and make you happier than I ever could, I promise you that."

His voice is shaking, too. His whole body is shaking like a leaf. And Wonshik can't help but think -- if he really doesn't feel anything, then why is his mind aching like he's saying goodbye to the love of his life? Why does his breath wash over Wonshik's cheek in stuttered, choked cries if he doesn't feel anything?

Wonshik doesn't open his eyes when Hakyeon kisses him. Though it isn't as much a kiss as it is just a soft, careful brush of their lips, as if this is Hakyeon's final attempt to feel something for him, before deciding it's impossible and pulling away. There are no stars shooting behind Wonshik's eyelids. The earth doesn't rumble and the world doesn't fall away around them. All it is, is Hakyeon's curiosity satisfied, and Wonshik's disappointment growing large enough to push Hakyeon further away. It's nothing. It's not enough. And it's nothing like Wonshik has dreamt of for so long.

Hakyeon leaves then, hurrying off the way they came, towards the light, towards movement, people and life. Wonshik remains where he's standing, watching Hakyeon pull his hoodie up as he half jogs down the street. Is he crying? Wonshik can't tell from behind. But if there's one thing Wonshik knows about him, it's that he can fight endless battles, take on the whole world alone, but not shed a single tear until he's alone and nobody's watching. That's the way he's always been.

Luckily, another thing Wonshik knows about him is that he can't lie to save his life. There's nothing he could ever say to convince Wonshik that they aren't both completely in love with each other, and that they haven't been since the moment they met. Wonshik knows the truth, and has known all along. That's why, when he watches Hakyeon disappear into the darkness to reappear again at the next streetlight, he smiles to himself when he starts walking, keeping a safe distance between the two of them. Pretending like he thinks Hakyeon is disgusted with him easy when he knows the truth is Hakyeon is simply too scared.

Unfortunately, knowing that doesn't help either of them in the slightest.

 

 


End file.
